Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
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You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.