How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
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Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Me too 😆
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”