If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.