Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen