I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I love the National Park Service.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.