Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Huge, if true.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.