One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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