5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
(2022)
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*