Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨