Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?