Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen