Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
scares
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
This cat wants you to take your pills
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
mariah carrie
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own