Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.