Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.