There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.