you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son