[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.