[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
You have been warned.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I think I’ll stand
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)