I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
This came to me in a dream.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep