(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Well, this explains it:
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Canadian owl: Eh?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)