corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
the last thing a carrot sees
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.