[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
You Might Also Like
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Okay me first
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
the #horror is real!
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: