Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
dude it’s called proctologist
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.