Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today