Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman