I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
cry laughing at this shit
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…