me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!