Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”