– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
If only.
Ion see the issue
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”