Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.