Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
You Might Also Like
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Eat…
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days