Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.