That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside