If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Godspeed, John Glenn
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”