Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
As the Lord intended
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no