“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*seductively peels off lederhosen
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….