My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
This might be the funniest tweet ever
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.