I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now