Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Do one person every day that scares you.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.