Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
They did not miss in the small print
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
me, too, girl. me, too.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.