plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh