By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.