Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*