who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.