[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My sex drive has a dui
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Its true…
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Same pineapple, same
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.