I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes