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Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]