I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
#JohnTravolta
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes