“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
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*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Lmao
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
😩😩😩
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men