How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil